The ways in which I didn’t take care of myself, though, are things that I now have to learn. I bit off more than I could chew. Maybe we all did. The way I was living was completely unsustainable and I was just trying to finish the project before I broke. It was a close race.
I made very little time to see people socially. Then I worked hard to distract myself from how lonely it was and given my poor social habits before, this was probably a step or two backwards. I’ve got some ground to recover. It’s weird to think of socializing in a deliberate way, but I’ve realized I have to do that the same way people have to deliberately exercise. It’s not something I do naturally and it takes effort, but it’s necessary for my health and I feel better once I do it.
I learned something about me that frustrates me. I want to think that I can make myself do whatever the situation demands. I want to think that all that stands in my way is discomfort, and that I can learn to ignore that. Some days just get the better of me, though. Sometimes sleeping and eating help, sometimes they aren’t enough. I don’t like that about myself. But when I do eventually get my head screwed on straight again, I need to take advantage of that and do what I can. Hopefully in time I’ll make my way to a place where I don’t have so many bad days.
On Thursday, May 2, my team and I delivered our Final Design Review presentation, turned in our report and robot, and finished with our two-semester Senior Design project.
Then I went to my apartment and, even though I only got about three hours of sleep the night before, enjoyed a cup of coffee on the balcony and then got to work cleaning the place up. It felt really good to have time to do my chores again, strangely enough. That evening, I went to EWB’s final meeting of the semester. It felt good to go to something because I wanted to, not because I had to. Most of all, it felt good not to have anything looming over my head, and my mind was quiet. I could hear the people around me again. I felt like a person again.
Those of you who have been around me in that time know that this project, especially this semester, was hard on me. I’m sorry for being distracted, distant, or short tempered.
It was a lot of work. More than I could handle, apparently—I had to drop an important class to keep up with all the work. I didn’t take very good care of myself, either. I did learn to care for myself just enough to get through it, though. I didn’t sleep quite enough, but I did sleep each night (the last night of the project being the exception) and I made sure to eat something every morning. That was crucial. I got more practice at not getting hung up on setbacks and simply proceeding with the next thing that had to be done. There was a day me and a teammate had worked for many hours on a part that broke in the final step. There wasn’t time to be upset; I went to the computer lab to redesign it in CAD, picked up supplies at an office supply store and traced out the new part on poster board, then got to the machine shop as soon as it opened at 8:00 AM to work all day to make it all over again. But I did get it done, and so the part that took several days to make the first time only set us back one day to remake.
There were a lot of days like that. Most of this project was unpleasant, but it was a daily exercise in getting things done. I’m better for it.
This is a bagel wrapped around a hot dog with cheddar cheese in it. Happy Birthday To Me!
“ Madness in method, that is genius.”― Leto Atreides II
“Dear people who complain about the chemicals they’re exposed to: EVERYTHING IS CHEMICALS.” -Hank Green
It feels weird to think you’re only now turning twenty two. You have seemed older than that.
I hope you’re not working today. I hope your cards arrive on time. May you feel remembered and cherished today.
Not a bad way to spend an evening.
I am exhausted. Used up.
Like a juiced orange, nothing left but pulp and pith and peel.
I keep looking ahead to the next hilltop, thinking that if I can make it just that far, I will find relief. But I am tired, and I am starting to wonder.
God, let the truth come to light. Protect those the deceit would harm, and open the eyes of those who have been misled by it. Please do not allow this injustice to continue, but expose those who would manipulate and abuse others for their benefit.